The Sins of John McCain

The Radical Moderate was granted unique access to Sen. John McCain's synapses last night. The following is an unedited recording of the thoughts that passed along the neuron trail.

Ahhh, I need another bourbon. Been battling this thing for what, two years now, and what do I have to show for it? This pissant Obama, nothing more than a junior senator is kicking my ass all over the country. What the hell has Obama ever done in his whole life? Another frikin lawyer. A community organizer. what the hell is a "community organizer"? How many years was he a state senator in Illinois? seven, five? and the damned people make out like he is frikin' Abraham Lincoln. makes me sick. He hasn't done shit. I've been a Senator for twenty six years. Twenty six years! I worked with Teddy Kennedy on immigration reform. Got the Republicans pissed at that. I worked with that liberal Paul Feingold on campaign finance reform. they call it the McCain-Feingold Bill. Got everyone pissed at me for that. Told the Republicans that global warming was real. Got laughed at for that from the shit kickers. That's what being a maverick is all about. That's the real deal. And they all make it out like I'm just channeling some old TV show. Now this pissant comes out of the senate cloakroom like some frikin' saviour and everything that I've done gets trashed.

Steve Schmitt. I'll kick his ass good when this thing is over. I wanted Joe Lieberman as my VP but he said No, the base wouldn't allow it and we could pick up women who would have voted for Hillary. I should have told him to fuck the base cause Joe was a guy I trusted. And women who voted for Hillary weren't going to vote for me anyhow. I worked with Joe for years, traveled the world's danger spots with him. He always covered my six. If I had picked Joe they all would have seen I was serious about solving all of our problems. I would have been hero, reaching across party lines to make this country great again. But I listened to that asshole Schmitt, and I wound up with this babe moose hunter who talks in tongues and is half a step away from being indicted in Alaska for some shit she pulled there. She even scares the shit out of me. I should have listened to my heart and picked Joe. Damn, did I screw the pooch on that one.

I can't fuckin' believe this Obama guy. He hasn't done shit. I've given my life to this country. My father gave his life for this country. My grandfather dedicated his life for this country. And this guy comes out of nowhere and says "change" and the people have a frikin' orgasm.

Bush. George Fuckin' Bush. His ass gets kicked, too. Not only is he totally incapable of fighting a war, but he has that other asshole, Rumsfield, as his SecDef. One's a born idiot, the other just acts like one. Boy, did they make Iraq a total cluster fuck. When they finally put together the surge, the Arabs saw we were serious and started to come around. But that Rummy wanted to fight the war on the cheap and we almost got our heads handed to us. And Bush, that idiot, has that attention deficit disorder thing. He couldn't leave well enough alone and take care of Osama and the Taliban first before overextending us to Iraq. Warfighters! Shit! And that Bush is a lying son of a bitch too. Said I had an illegitimate black kid in 2000 in South Carolina and that cost me the primary there. He knew I adopted a kid from Mother Theresa's orphanage, but the gutless wonder lied about it. He says he was a fighter pilot. My ass! No fighter pilot would dream of giving up a chance to strap into a jet, but this guy skated his duty. And then he gets to be president, and he didn't even win the popular vote. Then I kiss his ass for eight years to get credibility with the party. But when I hugged that son of a bitch on stage... damn.. I kissed his ass for eight years. Voted for his stupid programs 90% of the time cause I still wanted to be president..and I can't even get him on stage with me because of the shit storm that he is leaving. What a laugh. And now that things started to look good in Iraq after the surge, cause I was right, it gets buried in the back pages while Bushie has to fuck up the economy and give the Dems the issues that they are strongest at. Damn, the Vietnamese tortured me, but Bush fucked me twice! And what's worse is, I let him. Man, I just bent over and asked for it. I really was a maverick in 2000 and loved my "Straight Talk Express". But I sold my soul for my chance in 2008. For what?

Pennsylvania! I gotta beat him in Pennsylvania! The polls close early enough there and if I can get Pennsylvania, it won't look like such a sure thing. I gotta stop the avalanche in Pennsylvania. I'll campaign like hell in the middle of that state. Even Carville says it's like Alabama and I sure ain't gonna lose Alabama! Then I'll take Florida and Ohio and Missouri. I'll go for Colorado. Shit, three days to go. This kid is killing me.

Ahhh, damn. I need another bourbon. Three days.